| Last Edit June 6, 1999 MAX out your credit card during the Joan Rivers Jewelry Mini series and explain that he will have to wait for that new video game. Stop putting his folded laundry in his room. Stop folding his laundry. Leave it in a pile on your bedroom floor. Step over it. Make him negotiate locating his shorts while clutching a too-small towel to his dripping body. All week. Stop washing his laundry. Let him stand around naked looking for what smells the least. Leave the detergent in plain view in the laundry room. Stop picking up his dirty socks from the back of the couch. From behind the TV. From the top of the refrigerator. From your sewing table. Knock them out of the way and keep going. Claim to be suffering a memory loss when he asks if you've seen them. Step over his jeans. Wherever he drops them. Explain to the rare visitors to your home that he likes to run scantily clad through the house and you never know when the mood will strike him. Do this within earshot of the child. Insist he unload the groceries and insist that you can't possibly get the soda and junk food he wants unless he is there to pick it up. Make him work for it. Run out of soda. Run out of milk. Run out of food. That he likes. Do feed him something. (They get so crabby!) Insist that he has to not dawdle in the drugstore or the Barnes & Noble because you had prunes for breakfast and are out of Depends. Even if you don't wear them. It's the threat that counts. Do not take him everywhere he wants to go. This will motivate him to overcome his reluctance to drive anything smaller than a Hummer or less expensive than a Lambourgini and learn to drive. Refuse to buy a Toyota Tundra truck (bigger than the Tacoma). Drool over the two-seater, SMALL white 2-door convertibles. That he can't sit behind the wheel in. Never mind sit in. Refuse to test drive the Hummer. Explain that while YOU can afford the vehicle, HE can't afford the insurance. Mingle your laundry with his so that he has to sort through your undies to find his. Insist that you need to use the restroom in Sears, in Target, etc. Etc. Boys can't stand this even though, when they were little, they were the ones in the restroom in every store. Make them carry things when you shop. Tampax. Refuse to fund ultra-horror and violent movies. Ditto porno flicks. Block pay-TV. For every action video he gets to rent, you get a romantic one or a comedy. Fair is fair. Whenever he goes away for the day, clean his room. This drives them nuts. They can never find anything. Whenever he goes away for the day, open a window in his room and turn on a high-powered fan. He won't recognize his scent when he comes in and it will confuse him. Hide the B-Bs. Keep the cat pan in HIS bathroom. This insures that it will get dumped at least once a month. Buy him thongs instead of Jockey's. Say you couldn't remember which brand he prefers but that these looked cute. If he is dragging you out to the store late at night because he just has to have a last-minute school supply, put your hair in curlers, don't use makeup, wear sloppy clothes and pray you don't meet anybody you know. Just people he does. Run out of bath towels. The big ones he needs. Give him a bunch of hand towels. No matter how big he has declared himself to be. Boys always want their mothers to know they have grown. In specific areas. They just don't normally want to actually show us. Roam the house in only a thin nightgown - they don't want to see us either. Annoys them. Refuse to hang up the toilet paper in his bathroom. Make him play hunt the roll. Only buy fat-free salad dressing. Put raisins in your muffins. If he doesn't like raisins. Run out of eggs. Make eclectic dinners. Serve leftovers as often as possible. Don't bake any more cookies. Wash his white tee shirts with your new orange robe. Ooops. When at scary movies like "The Mummy", stretch his shirt sleeve to cover your eyes. Whenever you feel like it. Make him wait in the car while you shop for fabric after this type of movie. You will feel better. Run out of chips. And Hot sauce. Stop changing his bed sheets. If they get dirty enough, he will remove them. Step over them for a minimum of three days. If he gets cold, he will hunt for or ask for clean sheets and blankets. Do not allow him to sleep on the couch. Or the floor. Or on the mattress pad protector. Make him use bedding. As it is intended to be used. Discourage his sleeping in his clothes. Even if he thinks it will save time in the morning. Groan loudly when he does. Drive him to school with the air conditioner fan on high and the window open. Make the point. Refuse to take him to the movies unless he bathes. And shaves. Stop ironing his shirts. Or his slacks. They will hang out if placed on hangers. Buy him some. Eat the left-over pizza before he can get to it. Serve him soup. Insist on watching your programs on the 45" TV in the family room - make him watch his shows on the 12" on his room. Tell him he can have the 45" set when he and his brother buy you the 60" set for your 60th birthday. And remind him how soon that is. Put his shoes in his room. In the closet. Where they belong. This will confuse him. Remember that you did this so when you are late getting him out of the house the next morning, you can guide him to their location. Wear his clothes. Under no circumstances let him have control of the remote control. Sit on it. Dance in the living room to Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca" CD at full bass in your nightgown without a bra. At 6AM. This will ensure he will get to school on time since he will be in a hurry to get you dressed and out of the house. Miss the first part of the TV show you are watching with him and asked what has happened in the middle of an action scene. Clean out his dresser and throw away socks with holes. Ditto underwear. Ditto tee-shirts. Ditto really badly faded jeans that are too short. But leave him at least one outfit so he can go to the store. Go with him. Pick out his clothes. Relay his size loud enough that they can hear you in the back of the store. Bake pumpkin muffins with raisins for Sunday brunch. Make sugar-free Jell-O. Put stand-ups of Fabio in your bedroom. And threaten to put them in the living room. Next to his graduation photo. Tell him how you are going to use his room when he's finally moved out. Serve lemonade with pulp if he doesn't like it that way. That way you get to have some. Run out of ketchup. Serve hotdogs for Sunday dinner. Sliced up into "pennies" and fried in a pan. Rolled in a taco. With hot sauce. And refied beans and cheese. With green beans on the side. I said eclectic. Read as "clean out 'frige day". You will have leftovers. (Gag. I did this! ) (Actually wouldn't have been bad if I hadn't run out of ketchup.) Make sure there's nothing else to eat in the house. Put a wierd message on the answering machine that his friends get to hear. Drive slowly. And point out all the jerks on the road. Repeatedly. Keep forgetting to get him his own phone line. Demand he stop gaming over the modem because you want that necklace and it will be sold out if you don't call QVC now. Order it and then log on yourself. If he drags you to a book store, buy some for yourself. Make him carry them. Ones with Fabio or a Fabio-wanna be are good for this. If he drags you to the mall, insist on shopping for a bra or other related article. Whip it out of the bag to show him. In the middle of the mall. Make him ask six times for the cable guide. Watch period movies like "Pride and Prejudice" until you can recite the lines. Ditto Mystery (A&E and PBS). Hide your wallet. Cry freely during romantic movies. Buy him a Barbie doll. (Well, to make into a tree-top ornament for his first Christmas tree for his apartment. But don't tell him that for a few minutes, Have a Polariod camera handy.) Dye your hair red. Not auburn. RED. And slit your skirts to your thighs. No matter how much weight you have to lose. Offer to pick him up condoms while you getting your hair dye at the drug store. Or better yet, ask in the store what size he wants. (What is special about Magnums?) Drool over any decent male body without a shirt. (This only works for those of us who are single parents.) Whistle at your son. Run up and hug and kiss him for no reason when he has his hands full. Annoys the hell out of them. Mommy germs. |
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